Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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