I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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