I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
