so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
love makes seman taste better
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
