I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
