If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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