Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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