watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
do nipples grow back?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
