dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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