In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
