We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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