My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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