feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
