i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
