Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
