I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Randomize
