Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
