Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
