We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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