Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
