hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
