Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
it was like his penis was on wheels.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
