just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
