last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
