I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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