just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
