I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
