sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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