all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
