Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just had sex on a roof
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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