So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
