I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
