Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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