What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize