i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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