I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
