So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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