if you like me you must not know who I am
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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