So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
