I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize