He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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