The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
