hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
