my phone needs a breathalizer
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My ass is underappreciated
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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