I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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