I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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