you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
