pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
