Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
