meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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