My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
