I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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