Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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