yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My hand turned me down
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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