I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
