nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
