nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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