I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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