I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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