if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
